Saturday, January 24, 2009

Kydia's Flights

Okay - let's just get a few things on the table.

1. - I consider any flight a great flight if at the end of it I am alive. I understand that that is both a low threshold for quality and slightly disrespectful of the work of the misguided folk who are supposedly in charge of "statistics" (is that even a word?) but anyone who would like to persuade me otherwise is going to need to stifle. The great news is, that anything above that - for me - is utter bliss. So I'm the perfect passenger in many ways. The fact that I get all teary eyed and kiss both the pilot and the ground upon reaching my destination should just be ignored by the mainstream media.

But let me share a few things. I love Southwest. Not only do they have a Kydia delivered alive record of 100%, they have added comfy armchairs with outlets for power and USB at both Austin and Denver terminals.
Southwest is blogger friendly. Spread the word, my electronic missionaries.

2. I had a seriously Irish pilot on leg 1 - Brennan was his name (yes I interview them all and sniff their breath. Sometimes I do a surreptitious background check on my blackberry - do you want Hannibal Lecter judging a safe altitude for deploying landing gear while imagining his tasty copilot's compliment to fava beans and a nice chianti??? I didn't think so!)

3. When I returned from Orlando, there were 13 people on my flight. The first leg of today there were 70. This leg (yes, I'm typing on the plane. Quit yelling or I will kick you off my blog) there are 50. I haven't sat next to someone - praise God - in so long. So I walked back to tell the stewies (a friend calls them that) that I was sorry for SWA but happy for me about these empty planes, whereupon they bestowed like 20 drink coupons on me. Wanna have a beer with me on a plane sometime?

3. The sad part. This old boy across the aisle is THE REASON people stereotype my beloved Texans. He's loud. He's obnoxious. He begins every sentence with "in Texas". He's a lawyer. He tells hideous jokes - I hate to even do this to you because I love you, but I have to share the one he just told to the hapless seatmates who had no idea the plane would be empty when they chose the seats of doom. "You know that pilot that landed in the river? He told the passengers - 'we can make Newark' - and they said 'no - not Jersey! Put us down in the river!'"

Really loud lawyer man? THIS is the joke you tell on a plane? You're lucky I didn't kill you with my cell phone charger and comfort those poor souls next to you while we rifled through your belongings...

4. That couple will not be speaking to each other for months. Lawyer - window. Husband - center. Wife - aisle. Wife - so completely absorbed in the inflight magazine that she could recite it to me. Husband - hapless silent victim of loud Texas lawyer. God bless you center seat man.

I don't blame your wife.

Landing in a few. Better hide the crackberry. They said on Myth Busters that cell phones don't crash planes. That's good enough for me.

Lydia B. Fiedler


  1. Glad you landed safely, but I knew you would, silly girl. Have a fun time. Hugs n' Stuff, Lynne

  2. Hi Lydia,

    I'd tell you that "you are de bomb" (Think Jersey accent) but TSA might not let you on the plane to come home (and then where would all us Blue addicts be!) - lol!

    Sounds like you and our new Prez have a common addiction. Do you think the Secret Service makes him turn his off on Air Force 1? Hard to imagine. After all, a plane designed to function as a flying command center, after a disaster of some nuclear proportion, that can be brought down by something stuffed in the Prez's pocket? Come on!!

    Enjoy CHA and give SWA a kiss for me for their perfect Lydia delivery record! Now if they only provided cuddle cats to go with the blogging access!

    Hugs and blessings - Jean

  3. PMSL crack me up! I can see poor 'center seat man' in my head...he is a saint! I so wish you'd had a go with the phone charger...I think your stewie friends would have covered it up for you...

    Air Investigator to Head Stewie: Now 'mam, did you see what happened here?
    Head Stewie: Yes, I saw it was horrific. His oxygen mask accidently deployed and when he stood up to go regale some of his mates (who for some unexplained reason were sitting at the far end of the plane, and not with him) with a new joke, he got tangled up in it. He was thrashing about so wildly we couldn't contain him. I called for a tranquiliser dart, but it came too late. Shocking accident! I don't think I will ever be able to demonstrate how to use one of those oxygen masks again...SOB!

    ~insert evil grin here~ !

    Hope you have loads of fun :-)

  4. LOL! I liked both #3's the best. Well, except for Sam's rendition of the 'shocking accident'. Thank goodness I do not fly any more...I think I'd have to strangle someone.

    WV: in No thanks, I'll take the train.

  5. I just love your posts!! You have an awesome sense of humor and you're so good at being descriptive and putting a smile on my face. I can't wait to see what you get to post from CHA!!! Take care!

  6. I would pay hundreds to sit near you and just watch you in action. You absolutely crack me up! Have a ton of fun this week!

  7. I was sitting here pouting that I flew all the way out here and am minutes away from Anaheim and cannot crash the CHA party, when I read this post. Yeah! You'll crash it for us, and post the goods. Goody!
    I flew Delta, so there's little chance you'll be stuck between me and my 3 little ones. They are really good on the plane, however on the last 5 hour flight, our seats were mysteriously separated-and the wackos between us refused to move! Fine, babysit my 3 and 4 year old. Hope they don't spill any more Sprite on your lap! Oh yeah, and please pass the crackers.
    Have fun!

  8. Well, I love it when the flight is approaching its destination airport and the pilot announces, "We'll be on the ground in a few minutes!" GAH!! I always get that mental picture of Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff. He's on the ground, too, ya know?!

  9. Awww-I was only to Texas once ('91) and everyone was so NICE! No worries-no stereotypes here, I'd come back anytime! Sorry 'bout the lame-o guy & have a fantastic time at CHA!!

  10. Kydia- I received the DSP Sampler- thanks so much! It is just FAB ! So I guess I can invite you to come visit me but should hold back on the "do you want to go on a private plane ride?" part, huh? Yeah, we live in an airpark right on the runway (or rather next it- being on the runway would be a tad bit inconvenient). I wonder if Jet Blue has those USB thingies on their planes?

    benelessa- I benlessa smoker 'n mora stamper lately.

  11. Okeedokee then ... I think I'm funny ... and I definitely KNOW funny when I hear it, and Lydia? You're freakin' hysterical!



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