Go Ahead, Stereotype Me. One Day and One Day Only.

I know some of you are reading this from England and Canada and Australia, so this post is for you. You, and anyone who hasn't visited the Lone Star State. To anyone whose only impression of us is people who get on TV after a tornado, ("i was just settin on the terlet readin' mah fishin' magazine and BAM - all the sudden Paw was flyin through the air without his pants") or possibly a John Wayne movie, this post is for you. It is Texas Independence Day, after all.

After a lifetime of trying to get people to appreciate the Great Republic of Texas for ALL that it is - national parks, gorgeous hills, canyons, mountains, lost maples, the Highland Lake system, the mighty Colorado, the fine art, the fine art of cussing, the outrageously wonderful food, our special language (I'm fixin to go to the store - you want some Big Red?), the crazy weather, the big hearted, brave, warm and funny people, one of the largest economies in the world, my beautiful, bright shining city on a hill, the story of our independence, the Cormac McCarthyness of our past, I'm going to give in - and I'm just going to do this once.

I'm going to show you photos that completely play to your stereotypes of us. It will overcome your knowledge of my love of sushi and fun hotels, but it's okay. You get this one day to think of me the way you wanted to when you found out I was a Texan. :)

We went to the DH's family ranch for the weekend to celebrate his great aunt's 90th birthday. It was a blast.

And here's how we do it in Texas. C'mon y'all. I'm fixin' to show u some pitchers.

First, everything's measured in time, not distance. None of us know how many miles there are to anything, we just know hours. Who the hell cares how many miles it is when you gotta pack provisions for a 7 hour trip? A Yankee, that's who. :)

The ranch is about two hours.

Plenty of time to make 13 cards on the way. Wanda's birthday gift! Yes, you can cut out the Fifth Avenue Florals 48 times while traveling at 70 MPH on deer infested highways. You just gotta know how.
Texans love to tell stories. We start telling them the second we're born. Most of them are grounded in truth, but with quite a bit of color and exaggeration. There's a big difference between a colorful exaggeration and a lie. In Texas, when you need to tell a story, you gotta get down and draw it in the dirt.In Texas, we buy American. We buy SO American, that we buy our ranch fridges from GM. That's right. GM used to make something besides debt. They used to keep our beer cold. For a mere $289.75, they did.On top of the fridge is where we keep our Ponderosa tin cups and our ceramic chickens. When it gets too windy out, we play dominoes on a vinyl tablecloth. We keep score with an Astros pencil.This here is what we call a latch.This here is what we call a sky.This here is what we call a bush.This here is what we call a lawnmower.It's spring here now, so sometimes the lawnmowers have babies. This baby is so sassy.
So is this one. Sometimes our tiny women grab the babies because they're irresistible.The lawnmowers like to lick molasses from these turny things. Lawnmowing is hard work.Our tiny women know how to work the turny things. Our tiny women are very tough.

When we are hungry, this is what we eat.
This is what we call a chef. My sister in law, Jessica. She could whoop some Iron Chef @$$.We can turn anything into chips and salsa. How about pluots, two kinds of mangos, strawberries, kiwis, lime juice and sugar?How bout you eat it on a cinnamon pita chip? mmm.When we give presents, we get on our Macs, and make hard cover books with beautiful pictures of our 90 year old guest of honor. We're not barbarians, you know. We do have computers.Our guest of honor made this headstone for a farm worker who died on the ranch in the early 1900's. She has seen a lot in her short 90 years.Our women are pretty too. Here are three of the beautiful Boeselt's. Jenny's in the middle. She doesn't know what a blog is. Hey Jenny - you're on a blog! :)
Well, it's time to go. We Texans are ruled by the rising and setting of the sun.Better make sure the city folk know what to do on the way out.Happy Texas Independence Day!

Remember the Alamo!

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