Saturday, December 20, 2008
And the Award Goes To...
Tis the season.
The season to be assaulted by adfomercials. If I were a person inclined towards bouts of depression, instead of my normal constant giggling, these would be the months of psychological darkness. I would hide in my pantry, on the floor eating peanut butter with my finger and clawing out handfuls of my hair to make a noose.
I've had dark thoughts when I see some of these things, I'm not gonna lie. Let me share a few of my most hated adfomercials - which you can catch - oh, A THOUSAND TIMES A DAY ON ANY CHANNEL.
First - the premise is all the same. A mentally deficient person that regularly cuts their hand off opening a ziploc bag, or smashes a pickle jar into their skull in a failed attempt to open it, or is freezing to death on the couch, unable to reach the remote for lack of a Snuggie or a Slanket - grimacing for the camera, while the infomercial personality bellows out the product solution of a lifetime. So here we go for 2008, in order of ridiculousness.
The first one is for some wine bottle stopper - I can't remember the name of the product, but I distinctly remember the mentally deficient male star saying "Wow - I used to have to drink the WHOLE BOTTLE." Imagine that. It's a Tuesday night, his air traffic control job starts in four hours, but, because he's too dumb to put the cork back in his wine bottle, he just gets his drunk on. Thank God for the WineWonder or whatever it's called. Another life saved. Or not. And you wonder why I'm afraid to fly!
Pedi Paws - why in the world didn't I think of a whirring belt sander to trim my cats nails? Because cats always sit perfectly still when I try to trim their nails with those archaic nail clippers - paws politely extended, toes spread. Never ever ripping my face off and/or turning into a liquid or a gas and shooting around the atmosphere with little pieces of my flesh and clothing still stuck in their perfectly sharp claws. That never happens. Plus they love machines that make noise and vibrate their feet. Wow - I can totally see why we got a man on the moon. This country is clearly the home of the world's greatest innovations.
Pajama-gram - "The one gift GUARANTEED to make a woman take her clothes off this holiday season." Good Lord. First of all - am I the only person who doesn't need a hatbox? Really? That's a selling point for these pajamas? Second - it's pronounced "puh-JAW-muh" not "puh-JAM-uh" lady. Don't make me kill you. Stop saying that. Wrong. Fail. Beware to any man who thinks this is a good idea. You might end up in the hatbox.
The Slap Chop - Featuring the insanely loud and obnoxious meth addict who is a cross between George Michael and Suze Orman and the star of the ShamWow commercials. The giant headset? What demographic does that appeal to? John Madden? Madonna? Telemarketers? WTH? I'll just give you one line from this gem - "You're gonna love my nuts." Really? Because I'm thinking of putting them in this hatbox you got me with those cheap puhJAWmuhs. With the help of the new slap chop. I love it when a plan comes together.
Happy Saturday. Back tomorrow.