Tuesday, July 28, 2009

If You're Going to Shoot Yourself, Please Don't do it at Rush Hour

It took 2 hours and 15 minutes to get home yesterday. Thank God for Twitter and the three Stampington magazines that happened to be in my car, or I might have jumped out and killed the person who required a SWAT team and the bomb squad to resolve his mental issues on the greenbelt yesterday.

During this ordeal, I noticed some things that my fellow Austinites need to be reprimanded for, which I will enumerate.

1) Honking when we've all been sitting in the same place for more than an hour. Hey dummy - stifle yourself. If you want to communicate, please get on Twitter. You are angering my brain cells to the point where I might launch my cell phone charger through your oddly open window. It's 103 degrees by the way, why is your window open? Wait - don't answer that - hold still. I can hit you in the eye from here.

2) Driving around your 8000 fellow citizens to go to the front of the line because you are somehow more special than us. Do you really think that you are the person who has solved the traffic jam by simply driving up to the roadblock? A tazer to some of your more sensitive areas would be entirely too humane. If it wasn't 103 degrees, I would definitely get out and apply some serious force.

3) Driving your car up my bunghole in an attempt to make this whole process go faster. First of all, I'm tired of knowing your bumper in the biblical sense. Second - did you not see the ATF just go around us? Is there something about SWAT teams that makes you feel like that extra three inches you just moved is going to get you home faster? You need a lobotomy. And a butt tazer.

There you go. Try to behave yourselves in a way that communicates to the world that you are actually a higher life form than a howler monkey.

K. Now that that's out of the way - how about a card? Or even two?

Don't yell or anything, but I bought this stamp at Joann's. DON'T YELL. I have no idea why I would buy a stamp when the catalog just came out but WHATEVER, IT'S PRETTY I LIKED IT.

After making a hideously ugly colored version that I threw away, I did these, which I kind of like. Just black ink, white pencil, white gel pen. Which color scheme do you like better?

Hope you have a fabby Tuesday.


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  1. The red version seems fitting somehow, it looks like it is a little bitty drunk on itself. ;)

    The black and white has class and is very beautiful, btw.

  2. I like Merlot wine, but I like the image stamped on the Chardonnay paper better. Who said you can't buy other stamps any time you feel like it? I thought the only rule in stamp-buying was buy them all, or at least as many as you can, with no regard to where you will store them, whether you will use them, or how many similar or duplicates you already own. You appear to be following that rule, so it's all good.

  3. Thanks for the realistic outlook on how emergencies really go down with strangers. In a life-threatening situation requiring cooperation from all, there might have to be a few societal units that need adjusting before we all join hands and sing "we are the world".

    They pulled him from his silver "rugeot" and threw him to the ground.

  4. I love reading your blog, you make me laugh! Anyway, I like both, but if I must pick, I pick the first. You can see the detail a little better.

  5. It's unfortunate that man wanted to take himself out of the picture when clearly there were so many others nearby just screaming to be relieved of their breathing abilities.

    Ah well. Life just isn't fair. ;)

    And also, I like the tan paper better, because I'm serious like that.

  6. Amen, sistah!! I totally cannot stand people who act like that in traffic jams. People that drive around everyone to get to the front just make it worse for everyone else behind them. So selfish.

    As for the cards, I think I like the Razzleberry one the best but they're both cute!

  7. ROFL! I sometimes wished I still worked EMS just so I could have you come ride along with me and then read what you would blog about it. Seriously.

    I love the Melon Mambo card! Don't get me wrong, version number one is stunning as well, but that rich color really sets it over the top for me.

    Hope you have a great day, and if I here of any folks going bonkers on Mopac today I will call you to help save your sanity!

    WV: isati
    usage in a sentence: Because the SWAT team had to be called out, isati in traffic for far too long.

  8. I vote for the craft- has more of a fancy-aged-Italian-wine-and-cheese feeling to me.

  9. You are too funny but definitely just spoke for a ton of us with your list!

    Honestly...I love the darker colored card. I like that the white shows up more. And why wouldn't you like and purchase this stamp? It is wine and cheese ya know!

  10. I like the brown one, but I'm into the more organic look. :)

    Your story is one reason why I'm getting a blackberry. Hate not being able to multi task when I have down time.


  11. I like the first one.

    And thank you for the hysterical rant! I feel like that most every day, but I have apparently become immune to it, cuz I am calmed down by the time I get home.

  12. Hi Lydia! Thank you for starting my day with a good laugh! I hate when people try to go around everyone when we are all sitting there stuck in traffic! When my husband is driving and sees someone trying to do that he moves over to block them. It's really quite funny to see them turn 3 shades of purple with anger-hopefully we don't get shot over it-then there'd really be a back up!
    I really like both but would pick the Kraft one if I had to choose.
    Have a super day with your fur babies!

  13. I'll send ya my tazor when AND IF I ever get through using it here in Tampa...love the burgandy one...it's so Italy...

  14. I luckily was home on Wells Branch yesterday when all this went down on Mopac. I'm so sorry you were stuck in it and you explained my frustrations with Austin drivers perfectly! I often pull over on to the shoulder a little if we move so that I block the lane for those jerks, but then I have to make sure I have enough room to move if EMS needs to get through!

    I like the Razzleberry card better, but then again, I love Razzleberry! I think the Kraft is very classy as well.

  15. Lydia,

    Ugh, I have to choose a favorite.....well ok, if I have to. I like them both, but since you asked, I adore the Kraft one. Got an extra one? I'll take it.
    Seriously, they are great cards. Why would we yell at you? Don't we all have a few other stamps besides SU stamps?


    Lisa Atha

  16. Oh my gosh, you are hysterical! I love your sense of humor and I always look forward to your blog updates! My hubby is a semi-driver and his boss keeps asking when I'm going to go on the road with him. He always tells the boss... Oh no! She's not driving with me! When he asks why, hubby tells him that 80,000 lbs and an attitude don't mix! LMBO! People like the ones you've described make my blood boil. If I were to drive a semi, I'm affraid I'd be tempted to show them who's bigger! HA!!! As for your card, I love them both, but the razzleberry is my favorite if I "have" to choose. :) Have a great night! Hugs, Dorothy

  17. The drivers aren't much better here in San Diego. You mentioned my two pet peeves...the drivers who go around everyone to get to the front of the line, and the ones who get to "know my bumper in the biblical sense." If you find that butt tazer, let me know where you got it.

    Cards, hmmm, they're both beautiful, very classy. At first I went for the kraft background, but now I'm leaning towards the Melon Mambo (or is it Rich Razzleberry or Razzleberry Mambo?). Love them both.

    WV: inoute
    I want to be inoute of traffic ASAP

  18. Nothing wrong with buying a stamp at Joann's, inspiration doesn't get or wait for catalog release dates. Can you tell I've been asked why I'm buying stamps when I just ordered from the catalog before?

    I personally like the kraft card but I still like the colored version. I think it gives you two different styles. To me, I look at the kraft one and I think of a vineyard, the other one I think of being in a restaurant. Make sense? Probably not, lol.

  19. OMG, Lydia, you are too funny. And you have Austin drivers nailed. You should, anyway, after that ordeal!

    Verification word: exots - what you wish you had off the freeway on Tuesday!


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