I'm here to tell you about an even deadlier outbreak, affecting more people, and probably most of the people you know, online or off.
Go ahead and get inside your safe room and wrap yourself in a snuggie before you read the rest. It's bad.
The plague currently ravaging communities across the earth is....
Yes. I said it.
This outbreak has rained down a pantywaistyness that is reaching a frightening intensity. Did you know that humorlessness kills more Americans annually than shark attacks, paperclip accidents, cobra bites and leprosy put together? It's true. I read that right here on my blog. Just now.
No one can say ANYTHING now without a bunch of people getting offended or coming up with a reason that everyone should feel sad, guilty and oppressive. Here are some examples, taken from real social media encounters in the last few weeks, with a few modifications to protect the humorless.
Statement: We went to the zoo today and my son got to pat a lemur.
Response: ZOOS ARE EVIL AND HERE'S WHY.
Statement: I caught three Pikachus today!
Response: Everyone in the world was killed today playing Pokemon Go!
Statement: Happy Mother's Day everyone!
Response: My mother is dead / I was hatched / I'm not a mother / I am scared of mothers / some people I don't know in another country don't celebrate Mother's Day so we shouldn't either / The word Day is offensive to people in a country I've never been to / If you rearrange the letters in the words Mother's Day they spell kale / I'm allergic to kale / Please donate to my kale allergy Go Fund Me in honor of the mother I never had because I was hatched.
Statement: I rewarded myself for surviving an avalanche, a tornado, and a psychopathic CEO presentation which included 300 buzzwords by having a Happy Meal. Yay me!
Response: MCDONALD'S IS KILLING EVERYONE WHO SURVIVED POKEMON GO, THE ZOO AND MOTHER'S DAY!
Statement: I'm selling XYZ for $5
Response: How dare you - you should donate that to (insert heartstring-tugging charity of choice), you heartless monster.
Statement: I love this snowflake stamp!
Response: THAT SNOWFLAKE HAS THE WRONG NUMBER OF LEGS AND IS OFFENSIVE ON 9 CONTINENTS. (Shocking, as there are only seven, but that's how offensive an incorrect snowflake stamp can be.)
Here's my advice to the world.
Not everything in the world is conspiring to bring about personal doom, or designed to oppress people until they are just little flat, soulless, whiny things littering the earth.
Some things are just for fun.
Also, humanity's doom is not staved off by funsquashing.
Yay is more fun than nay.
Lemurs are awesome.
Cheeseburgers are awesome.
Lemurs might even enjoy cheeseburgers, since cats obviously do.
The ability to move on without commenting on something you don't like is like a modern day superpower. USE it and it will grow stronger! You will become funny and invincible!
It's also quite possible that we don't know everything. Seems improbable, I know, but after this week's bombshell that we might not need to floss after all, I'd say your best bet is to not bet on the fact that you know everything. Also, super excited that I don't have to floss anymore and that lemurs love cheeseburgers. Want to see the cutest lemur made with the Fox Builder Punch? Check this out.
Now all that being said, don't confuse your HUMERUS with being humorless. They are not the same. And everyone has a humerus. Except for the people who do not and are offended right now. So you can imagine my mirth when I saw this stamp set that is in the upcoming Stampin' Up! holiday mini. Hilarious.
See? Even though he is missing a humerus, he is NOT humorless. This skelly is doing it right.
I stamped him on Ranger watercolor paper (I am lazy and love that this is precut), and then I spritzed it with water and sprinkled Brusho on - Gamboge, Yellow and Black. Then I heat embossed the sentiment in white, in honor of his missing humerus. :)
This card is for my dear friend Bev's Dare To Get Dirty Challenge this week. I know she will appreciate it, as she DOES have a sense of humor.
I hope you have a very hilarious, joy-filled week, with or without your humerus.