Friday, August 9, 2013

The Brisket Cleanse, Day 2

You know about those cleanses right? Drink nothing but water and lemon juice and honey for a week and right after you pass out and hit your head on a public toilet, you'll wake up feeling all pure and clean and starving, despite your skull fracture?

Or juice cleanses? Just take anything that even resembles a plant, grind it up and drink it, and you'll just be so much healthier you won't ever die. And really, it doesn't all taste like dirt. Supposedly.

Well I am on day two of my new brisket cleanse.

You don't even have to pay me for me to tell you about this awesome cleanse.

This cleanse will ritualistically remove all traces of wheat grass, lemon juice and kale from your system in an easy, two day process.

Day 1 - Go to Starbucks. Get some espresso, and carpool with your friend Kim to the legendary Franklin Barbeque at 7:45 AM. Unpack your camp chairs and cooler and settle down in line to wait until they open at 11. Take pictures of people watching movies and eating donuts in line.

Paint a few little paintings with your awesome watercolor lap easel from Kathleen MacElwaine. This one is meant to look like a beautiful photograph I have by Leslie Kahl of Rancho de Taos in New Mexico. She takes an hours-long exposure of her subjects while shining colored lights on them. They are ghostly and beautiful.

 This zen in line is important to the efficacy of the cleanse. You need a four hour period of waiting to prepare your body for the healing powers of the brisket.

When you get inside, you mustn't get too excited. The brisket can sense anxiety. Just be cool.

Order, at a minimum, the two meat plate, and several pounds of brisket, pulled pork and turkey to go.

Sit down, and begin the cleanse.

Cry if you feel moved to do so. I did. Kim did. Reflect on the beauty of the human experience. Hug strangers.

Now I have to say, that as important as the quality of the brisket is to the brisket cleanse, (and it was the best brisket I've ever eaten in my life) the quality of the PEOPLE serving the brisket is equally important. From the moment we arrived, every single employee who was there looked us in the eye, thanked us for coming and served us so sweetly that it was really kind of astonishing. I can honestly say I've never had better, kinder service. They were just so nice.

As you leave Franklin, take note of how much more sweetly the birds are singing. Notice how much prettier and younger you look. Feel your hair - it's soft, and full of body, and shines like the sun. You feel at peace, as though you've accomplished everything you've wanted to accomplish in life. Traffic no longer annoys you, and you imagine your fellow travelers are also full of delicious brisket. You briefly consider eating these brisket stuffed commuters, but you come to your senses.

Go home and nap. You'll need your strength for Day 2.

Day 2: After the bluebirds gently awaken you and dress you in your best gown, head to the kitchen for a brisket sandwich. If you use anything but Duke's mayonnaise on this sandwich I will send banshees to your house. And so help me God, you will NEVER eat brisket again.

Note that your ability to speak foreign languages has increased dramatically. Recite a Portugese sonnet to your brisket.

Measure yourself in the doorway. You will have grown an inch, thereby lowering your BMI and gaining you the hatred of your least favorite skinny friend. Winning.

Whisper Franklin's name.

Give credit for any art or Nobel prizes that issue forth from you to the brisket.

Whisper my name.

Go play in the Mix-Ability challenge on Splitcoast.

I did.

Pin It
Stamps: Really Good Greetings Ink: Tempting Turquoise, Orchid Opulence, Summer Sun Accessories: Air Can, brisket

I got those ink splatters by blowing kisses at my brisket.



  1. It truly was a life-altering experience. I can hear colors and see sounds now. Today when I cut the grass a bluebird sat on my shoulder, and I actually hugged my little horned lizard that I normally would try to run over with the mower deck.

    The brisket has made me a better person.

  2. Oh my! You are a hoot!!!! I just spent the past few minutes on a virtual brisket cleanse laughing all the way! Your painting and blowing are stunning!!

  3. We have been meaning to go to Franklin's...I guess I had better get there sooner rather than later!

    Glad that you enjoyed it AND, love the paint spatters and that perfect sentiment!

  4. Ok. Coming from an Idaho gal, can you tell me why you need to wait 4 hours to get into the brisket place?? People really line up at 7 in the morning? I mean, clearly it was worth it, but . . . can't you just show up when they open? Also, I clearly need to find out where Franklin's locations are! ;)

  5. There was LOLing + snorting going on throughout the entire reading of this post, right down to the supply list (Accessories: Air Can, brisket). You slay me.

  6. They sound like the zen of all Briskets in the country.
    Wish that I could have been there. Next time I come to visit I will bring some knitting and sit in line with you.
    Love Love the painting! You nailed it.
    The card is awesome too. Love blowing kisses at my cards too! (I mean briskets).
    heart you!

  7. Been there, believe me, it's worth the wait!

  8. I love your sense of humor and only Texans (or those fortunate enough to have lived there for some time) can truly appreciate all that is epic about brisket.

  9. Great card, great post. Love your sense of humor!!!

  10. We had a brisket binge in Lockhart last summer and are dreaming of going back. There is nothing like Texas brisket. Oooh, it's soooo good!

  11. What Britiney asked. And is this a special occasion or is it like this every day?

    Oh, and mayo of any kind is illegal on brisket. You Texans know NOTHING! Must be horseradish.

  12. Now that's my kind of cleanse - I could use a few birds singing! My son is headed to Austin tomorrow for two weeks, maybe he can bring some back for me!

  13. Hungry now. Love your card.



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