Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Set the Cantaloupe Fields On Fire

We all have them.

Even the most adventurous among us.

I don't consider myself a picky eater at all - but I think I base that on my love of most vegetables. Except beets. Beets are Satan's work. Oh and okra. I don't eat vegetables with fur. And of course green bell peppers, which are also Satan's work.

Well anyway, my point is I do not consider myself a picky eater UNTIL I start going down my list of quirks.

I hate seafood. Blech. I consider shellfish to be ocean bugs. Or, in the case of the god-forsaken crawdad - sewer bugs. Fish is gross. Unless it's sushi, in which case it's delicious. Quirky, right? I used to confound my parents by going to Luby's, ordering fried fish, and then just eating the batter with tartar sauce. I considered the fish just a molding prop for the delicious cornflake crust. I do like tunafish though. I consider myself exempt from criticism on this because I grew up on a giant, boiling hot savannah, a.k.a. Texas.

I'm only allergic to one food - and that's horseradish. I really don't even like to be within a few feet of that noxious plant, but I do love radishes and ginger - I'm OBSESSED with ginger actually.

I can't eat anything gelatinous. Jell-O makes me want to barf. I've tried to track down this phobia, and I think it's because I had tapioca while recovering from the removal of my appendix when I was in 4th grade and I just got gelatin PTSD. But I don't think I liked it much before that either, even though my childhood friends loved it. And then when I made a homemade gel printing plate from unflavored gelatin a few years ago and almost DIED from the smell of that, and realized they just cover that up with colors and flavors and smells for regular Jell-O - HORRORS. It seriously smells like death.

And speaking of food that smells like death - let's go ahead and talk about the elephant in the room. Or should I say the DEAD elephant in the room - cantaloupe.

Cantaloupe should be banished from the earth. And it should take honeydew melon with it. I feel like cantaloupe is some gross marriage between a pumpkin and a NORMAL melon, like a watermelon, which is God's gift to overheated Texans. Cantaloupe has a nasty, squash-like flavor (and I love all squash, BTW, but not mixed with melons) coming through its lame attempt at melonhood. Set the cantaloupe fields on fire.

I do not approve.

So today, on my walk, I was laughing HYSTERICALLY at my audiobook, because it was saying all these things that are in my head.

I think this was recommended to me by my friend and artistic idol - Dina. She's a huge fan of Jim's as am I, but I had only seen the comedy shows prior to this book. His comedy is very clean, which I really like. But his rants on food make me think that we actually might have been separated at birth.

Here are a few examples - here are his/my thoughts on oysters:

“Often on the menu, oysters will be listed as “oysters on the half shell.” As opposed to what? “In a Kleenex?” Even the way you are supposed to eat an oyster indicates something counterintuitive. “Squeeze some lemon on it, a dab of hot sauce, throw the oyster down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka, and try to forget you just ate snot from a rock.” That is not how you eat something. That is how you overdose on sleeping pills.”

And this on avocados:

"Avocados are so delicious they should just petition to be reclassified a cheese.”

So true. And his tour of each state's signature dish just had me laughing like a crazy person alone in the woods this morning. Especially his observations about southern food. I HIGHLY recommend this audiobook if you want a laugh. He's the narrator, which closes the deal. Here's the real book, if you like that sort of thing.


So that brings me to today's project, which revolves around one of the world's most perfect foods - watermelon.

One of my team members was having trouble putting together the Curvy Keepsake box, and so I told her I would shoot a quick video for her, because I thought I knew what was happening. The two pieces that overlap have a square corner and a rounded corner, and you just want to line them up on the square corner. So I cut the pieces from Watermelon Wonder and sat down to do the video.

And while I was doing it it struck me that this box would make the PERFECT watermelon!! I don't know if I'm the first person to think of this, but I was pretty excited about it when I thought of it.

Check out how cute this is.

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MEEP! I love it!

So I did a little video for you - super quick with just the alignment tips for the box.

(PS - If you order the Curvy Keepsake Box from me before the end of July, you will receive 4 hand watercolored backgrounds from me to use on your card fronts!)



And THAT my friends, is the only melon worth eating. Or crafting.

The rest are decoys. You've been warned.

Loveyameanitbye.

17 comments:

  1. I do greatly admire your wit, humor & astounding artistic talent, but your food idiosyncrasies might mean we cannot be friends. I live on ALMOST ALL those foods (except beets - patooie) that you despise. Glad I have a fire extinguisher for any one attempting to set fire to my garden!

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  2. Lydia, when I was growing up my grandpa said he "loved cantaloupe". He would cut it in half, scoop out the seeds, fill the center with ice cream. Eat the ice cream and throw the cantaloupe away. You post made me think of that and made me smile. I also had to smile when you said

    "and I love all squash, BTW, but not mixed with melons"

    It reminded me of my first time trying to garden. My mom and grandma had gardens, but I hadn't paid attention to them growing up. So I don't know if no one told me to plan how I planted my garden, or if they did I just didn't "hear them" I found out the hard way not to plant pumpkins and watermelons next to eachother. Those were the squishiest, watery pumpkins and the most foul tasting watermelons ever.

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    Replies
    1. HAAA! I would have loved your grandfather! My grandfather had a similar recipe for bourbon duck. Drink the bourbon - throw the duck away.

      EWW on the watermelon!

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  3. Such a cute idea, Lydia! Love the box. (I'll forgive you for being a cantaloupe hater) :)

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  4. Chuckling! My husband will eat anything except a wonderful mix of mushroom in soup that he calls "cat pee soup". Both of my kids are very selective and I like to eat HIGH quality things or none at all!

    As for the sewer bugs, growing up in KS that's exactly what they were! They were amusing to watch but no one thought in a million years to EAT them so imagine my surprise when we moved to Lafayette, LA the heart of Cajun country and sewer bugs otherwise known as crawfish are on the menu!

    Your box is absolutely adorable btw!!!!

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    Replies
    1. BWAHAHA cat pee soup does NOT sound good. My brother is mushroom-averse. I love them!

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  5. I think you have a few issues with food. No, really. I agree with a few of them, but ...

    First: beets are evil. Burn the beet fields! And Okra. Farmer Mike tried to get me to eat it, but the only thing I've found it's good for is stamping. Cut that puppy open and it's a very cool shape for stamping.

    Green peppers, however, are divine, so we'll agree to disagree on that one.,

    Not a big seafood fan, but I'll take a good grilled shrimp right out of your hands. It's my one weakness.

    Um, sushi, really? I see no need to eat my food uncooked. Raw fish is evil to me.

    And you must have missed the memo that cantaloupe is the perfect food. I do like cantaloupe and also honey dew melon. Won't go near watermelon, though. Stuff makes me ill - my tummy doesn't like it.

    And slimy seafood? Oysters, clams, mussels, anything that slides off a shell? Barf. Squid? Octopus? No thanks. More for you.

    In other news, we grew a horseradish root one year and ground it ourselves. November in the Midwest. All doors and windows open. Run into the kitchen, give it a few grinds, run outside to breathe, repeat. But that was some tasty horseradish. I only eat it on two things: (1) gefilte fish, to drown out the taste of what I'm traditionally required to consume at certain key holiday events, and (2) beast stew, just a touch to enhance the experience.

    One parting thought: My grandpa used to make his own horseradish with (!) beets, and he said if it didn't clear your head and make your eyes water, and make you pound your fist on the table while exclaiming "THAT'S GOOD HORSERADISH!", it wasn't any good. We had some mighty fine horseradish with those dinners. :) #sorrynotsorry

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  6. And I thought the curvy box was delightful in plain coors. This is amazing!

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  7. I'm a picky eater, too, but love cantaloupe and watermelon (if ripe). Honeydew is tricky. I love fish (except sushi or any limp-bodied fish or oysters), can' stand cauliflower or asparagus or broccoli or brussel spouts or avocados. There's probably more I don't like than do. And, I'm probably weird, but I love buttermilk. If it weren't for Granny Smith, Gala, Cameo & Braeburn apples I'd go hungry on some days, especially the hot ones we're having here in the Pacific NW. I can't even imagine living in TX. I'm also a weather wimp. Can't wait for the rain and clouds to return. I've had JG's food book on hold at my local library for a few weeks. I'm closing in on being at the top. Whoopee!

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    Replies
    1. My grandma used to break up saltine crackers, drop them into a glass of buttermilk, and eat it with a spoon. [Gag!] Maybe you should try it some time. You might like it. I just gag. LOL :)

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  8. SO so glad you have officially shared your watermelon box idea!
    But we do need to talk about okra .... just sayin' ... Fry that silly fur right off and enjoy the goodness of fried, vein-clogging pleasures!
    (((hugs)))

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  9. Impossibly adorable. Brilliant idea. Being new to your blog, was pleased to see that I'm not the only one with irrational food aversions. No one else could understand why I dislike most fish, okra, squash or anything else slimy. Makes me shiver to think about them.

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  10. Rolling tears... YOU need to write the comedian book Lydia... heheheheheh. You create great watermelons too!!! We have some planted here in Texas :) j.

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  11. Completely adorable! I agree with you on some of the foods, as well. I actually haven't tried an audio book, before now. I always read them. I like the feel of paper. ^_^ However, I did download this one, because you made it sound so fun. hehe Plus, free trial bonus, got the book for free.. yay! I am very glad you had a video for this box, too. I have a cricut, and I see all these cute boxes, and cards, and folded items for various things, and I think.. Oh, so cute.. I cut out all the pieces, then well.. frustration begins, because there are NO directions! None.. and if someone hasn't made a video for it, then I just can't figure it out sometimes. Not always, I'm not a complete idiot, but enough that I don't want to try some of them.. Which is a shame, because there are some beautiful little boxes.. However, none compare to your watermelon! Of course, now I want to make a purse that looks like that for my niece! haha Thanks so much for sharing. Sorry for the long post.. but well, got excited. ^_^

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  12. You are hilarious! And I do agree with many of your thoughts on food. Especially cantaloupe and honeydew. My two food quirks are that I can't eat anything creamy or slimy. No pudding, No soft-serve ice cream [which as far as I'm concerned is the Devil's dessert], No instant potatoes, No whipped cream from a tub [the REAL thing is good though], basically anything that doesn't have a texture to it and just feels like semi-solid mush in your mouth. And nothing slimy like peaches, the previously mentioned melons, jell-o, etc. I like most veggies, but not mushrooms! Gross! And no seafood. My hubby loves seafood, and I always try a bite of whatever he orders (or grills), but I haven't found a single seafood so far that I like. There are some that I could eat without puking, but I don't enjoy them, so I don't eat them. My husband calls me picky, but give me anything beef or chicken, pasta, veggies, most fresh fruits, and I'm a happy camper! :) {as long it's not smothered in a creamy sauce! no way!} :-P

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