Wednesday, January 6, 2016

How to Destroy a Monopoly With One Phone Call

I did not set out to destroy a company today. But some days turn out better than others, and I got to see the most glorious of implosions first thing today - and I actually forgot to even have coffee after that, it was so vividly impressed upon my mind.

I'm running around like a crazy person getting ready for CHA and trying not to forget everything, and one of the things I wanted to do was activate a phone. So I take said phone to the AT&T store and make sure I'm there when they open.

I had bought a new SIM card and they just needed to do that strange Shaman ritual over it to transform it and a new phone into my old phone's identity. Like this:

Since I was first in line and the girl was very pleasant and did not suck my soul out, which is what usually happens in an AT&T store, I decided to take a huge risk and ask her to remove some services from the land line that we have at the house while I was there. The land line is used for our alarm system, but we don't use it for calls, really, and so I didn't need all the nickle and dime call blocking etc. and just wanted to pay for basic service.

So she says - no problem - I will call into customer care for you - on the secret line where they don't have to be on interminable hold.

She calls - gets a rep right away, and proceeds to give my account information to the rep. She then tells the rep "I'm going to do a soft handoff to the customer", which apparently the rep didn't hear. The girl in the store had a soft voice, and is suffering, like we all are, from cedar fever.

(Did you feel the earth shake just now? It was not your imagination - what you felt was the beginning of the implosion of American Telephone & Telegraph Corporation, my friends. A moment I will relish for years to come. )

Since the rep did not hear her, she went on assuming that the store clerk was me, and, you guessed it, began trying to sell her Uverse. It went something like this from the end that I could hear.

Clerk: No - I don't want - no, I just want to lower my bill. No - I use my cell phone for calls. No - I have internet through another company. No - I have magic beans. No - no, I - no, I just want to remove some services from my bill? Can you do that? Yes, I know I can get free sea monkeys if I- Can you remove some service- no - yes, I am aware that Uverse curse cancer, looks like a unicorn, can stop ISIS, tastes like bacon,assures my passage to heaven and forces Alec Baldwin to behave. Despite all of these wonderful Utopian ideas you are presenting me with, I am making the horrible and incomprehensible decision NOT to welcome Uverse into my life, and travel a dark, dark path of simply a reduced land line bill. Yes, I understand I'm condemning my soul to torture for eternity. Yes, I would just, LIKE TO REDUCE MY BILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

I sat across from her and I felt such inexplicable joy and peace as she experienced the giant bucket of poop that is AT&T Customer Service, better known as Uverse sales. I almost wept - it was such a priceless life experience.

When she finally - steadfast, brave little chick - completed her mission, she hung up and I looked at her, and she looked at me and we understood each other totally and completely. It didn't even need to be said. As I walked away, I could feel the entire organization collapsing in on itself in a vortex of pain as it awoke and became self-aware. It was without a doubt, the most glorious 20 minutes of my 35 year relationship with the blue beast.

The rest of my day wasn't nearly as exciting or productive or dramatic.

But I did manage to finish a card that started when I was working on my Christmas cards.

Now I told you that I took some DSP and made colorful envelopes for my cards this year with the envelope punch board - something which really IS the equivalent of magic beans!

But as you score and punch each side of the envelope you're left with a little mountain of these little mountains. So, that led me to a bout of procrastination in which I arranged them into a little mountain range on this card. The sentiment is from Picture Perfect - click here for a class on that set.

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How fun is that?

I love how interesting and different the patterns look in that small scale snippet - especially the one with just the one triangle on it - you couldn't have planned that!

Anyway - I like it, and it was fun to use up such unusually shaped scraps on an everyday card. So don't toss them next time you make envelopes! 

 Be sure and check out Periscope and Instagram for my updates from CHA. Can't wait to see my crafty friends and escape the cedar pollen for a bit!



  1. FIST BUMP, BABY!! Now cross the mountains, bring an umbrella and hug ya soon!

  2. I would have paid to sit with you and watch that poor AT&T girl go through the living hell that is U-Verse sales. It should be a part of their training. It builds character! (And how clever to use those little punchy scraps for mountains!)

  3. Wow - way cool card! Definitely looks like an awesome mountain range! But what impresses me even more is that you kept all those scraps! I would have chucked all of them into my recycling bin and not given them another thought. I am finally climbing out of my scraps after I went through and ruthlessly weeded out scraps smaller than 2.5" square. After seeing your fab card, I'm now rethinking my scrap policy but for my sanity, I don't think I can go down that wormhole again ...

  4. You totally made my day, Lydia, with this witty post. That cat video was a bonus, too! Have a blast at CHA.

  5. And we thought North Korea exploded an H-Bomb. Pfft

  6. lol and love the paper mountains!

  7. Love the card... not loving the affirmation to the fact that I have the hardest time tossing even the most minute scrap. I'm a scrap hoarder.

  8. And you wonder why the world loves you pffft. I just love it when a consumer can make a company try to divide by zero. Have fun at CHA!

  9. Love that card just from pieces on the table. This is such a clever idea. Thank you for the laughs too. I had tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard. Time Warner is the same thing. I double dare anyone to try and cancel that service! It took 7 phone transfers and two days to do it. Offers came in daily for weeks! What a great thing to happen!

  10. Great way to begin the day! Love your use of clever! Will be following you at CHA?

  11. You are too funny! I love reading your posts. Looking forward to hearing about CHA.

  12. Bwaaaahaaaahaaaaa! Best AT&T story ever! And I love your card. What a clever idea to use those punch board mountains. And to think I've been tossing them in the can. No more!

  13. Hahahahahahaha. Busting a gut, here. You see, I retired from the Big Blue sphere after 35 years and the reason I did is what you best described. Couldn't have said it better in a million words. Anyway, your card is charming and I'm crushing on that sentiment. Way to recycle, reuse, reimaging, girl.

  14. Thank you, thank you... from the bottom of my heart... thank you!

  15. Oh my goodness, this post is hilarious! And, I am off to make some envelopes and save the mountains!!! Have fun at CHA!!!

  16. You crack me up! Have a wonderful time at CHA.

  17. Love, love, love your stories and your cards - you are just a wonderful package of a human being :-)!

  18. Thank you, thank you! Ding Dong the Witch is DEAD! :)


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