Or juice cleanses? Just take anything that even resembles a plant, grind it up and drink it, and you'll just be so much healthier you won't ever die. And really, it doesn't all taste like dirt. Supposedly.
Well I am on day two of my new brisket cleanse.
You don't even have to pay me for me to tell you about this awesome cleanse.
This cleanse will ritualistically remove all traces of wheat grass, lemon juice and kale from your system in an easy, two day process.
Day 1 - Go to Starbucks. Get some espresso, and carpool with your friend Kim to the legendary Franklin Barbeque at 7:45 AM. Unpack your camp chairs and cooler and settle down in line to wait until they open at 11. Take pictures of people watching movies and eating donuts in line.
Kathleen MacElwaine. This one is meant to look like a beautiful photograph I have by Leslie Kahl of Rancho de Taos in New Mexico. She takes an hours-long exposure of her subjects while shining colored lights on them. They are ghostly and beautiful.
Order, at a minimum, the two meat plate, and several pounds of brisket, pulled pork and turkey to go.
Sit down, and begin the cleanse.
Cry if you feel moved to do so. I did. Kim did. Reflect on the beauty of the human experience. Hug strangers.
Now I have to say, that as important as the quality of the brisket is to the brisket cleanse, (and it was the best brisket I've ever eaten in my life) the quality of the PEOPLE serving the brisket is equally important. From the moment we arrived, every single employee who was there looked us in the eye, thanked us for coming and served us so sweetly that it was really kind of astonishing. I can honestly say I've never had better, kinder service. They were just so nice.
As you leave Franklin, take note of how much more sweetly the birds are singing. Notice how much prettier and younger you look. Feel your hair - it's soft, and full of body, and shines like the sun. You feel at peace, as though you've accomplished everything you've wanted to accomplish in life. Traffic no longer annoys you, and you imagine your fellow travelers are also full of delicious brisket. You briefly consider eating these brisket stuffed commuters, but you come to your senses.
Go home and nap. You'll need your strength for Day 2.
Day 2: After the bluebirds gently awaken you and dress you in your best gown, head to the kitchen for a brisket sandwich. If you use anything but Duke's mayonnaise on this sandwich I will send banshees to your house. And so help me God, you will NEVER eat brisket again.
Note that your ability to speak foreign languages has increased dramatically. Recite a Portugese sonnet to your brisket.
Measure yourself in the doorway. You will have grown an inch, thereby lowering your BMI and gaining you the hatred of your least favorite skinny friend. Winning.
Whisper Franklin's name.
Give credit for any art or Nobel prizes that issue forth from you to the brisket.
Whisper my name.
Go play in the Mix-Ability challenge on Splitcoast.
Stamps: Really Good Greetings Ink: Tempting Turquoise, Orchid Opulence, Summer Sun Accessories: Air Can, brisket
I got those ink splatters by blowing kisses at my brisket.