Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Is That a Seahorse In Your Pocket, or....?

So I am finally back from all my travels, and trying to catch up with myself.

I had so much fun catching up with all my stampy friends and seeing all the fantastic new things that everyone *NEEDS* right this very second.

But two weeks is a long, long time to be gone, and I was ready to come home when I got to the airport Sunday night. Midway airport, to be exact.

If you've never been through Midway, you can't know the special circle of hell that its security lines occupy. I have never been there when it wasn't a tangled, cranky sea of humanity in a knot of confusing and slow moving lines. Sunday was no different. It was a hot mess.

I finally get to the point where I'm waiting for my carryons to exit the conveyor when I see, with dread, that a TSA agent is walking towards me with one of my carryon bags.

It's a woman. She seemed nice enough, and it wasn't immediately apparent that she had clearly consumed a large quantity of a hallucinogenic mushrooms, had a head injury or arrived from another dimension shortly before asking me this:

ma'am - do you have any type of little seahorse in your bag?

I was dumbfounded. I hadn't eaten since the previous night and was completely exhausted, but I never expected a question about a seahorse. I was too shocked for my normal reaction, which would have been to fall down on the floor convulsed with hysterical laughter.

I just stared at her. I wanted to ask her "are seahorses prohibited? I mean, if I HAD a seahorse in my bag, would I be in some sort of trouble?" And since she said "any type of little seahorse" did that mean one type was more dangerous than another?

I didn't ask. I said "no, I do not have a little seahorse in my bag." She paws through my bag. She finds several things that apparently set off the seahorse alarm, like a bracelet and my car keys, and removed them to run them and my suitcase separately. She comes back. Some of my dies are now out of my suitcase and bouncing around on the conveyer belt.

She brings back the suitcase. She says there's still a problem. Something looks like a crown. Again, I'm not aware that seahorses or crowns are prohibited. Are seaMONKEYS also prohibited? A friend reminded me that they have crowns - could she have seen a seamonkey in my bag? If I missed my ONE OPPORTUNITY to see a real live seamonkey, the TSA is going to pay!!

She paws some more. She retrieves a border punch with a knowing look, puts it in a bowl and takes my suitcase away again. Thank God we are all safe from my border punch and my bracelet. She comes back and paws some more. She takes out my airport compliant ziploc bag full of makeup, leaves with my suitcase and the bag and comes back, calling over her shoulder for me to "keep an eye on my property" as she disappears around a corner with it. A guy next to me starts giggling. I thought about injuring him with my weaponized, royal seahorse, but resist. A person should reserve their deadly crowned seahorse for more perilous situations.

Stamps: Aquaria (retired), Happy Harmony (retired) Paper: Whisper White, Just Add Cake DSP, Pool Party Ink: Basic Black Accessories: Pool Party Marker, Lucky Limeade Marker, Dazzling Diamonds Glitter, Rhinestones

Yeah, there's a card for that.:)

Hey - don't forget - the $99 starter kit deal is only good through Sunday! Check it out in my sidebar.

And keep those seahorses at home where they belong. America is safer without them.

24 comments:

  1. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that the TSA is shaking you down for imaginary seahorses and very real border punches. (And even more grateful that we are driving on this vacation and not dealing with the flying monkeys.)

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  2. This is not the first time that I've had to go back to the beginning of a blog post (of yours) and read it out loud so my husband knows what I'm giggling at. :)

    He just giggled with me and wishes you HAD asked about those rules ... he feels like he has no conclusion on traveling seahorses! :)

    I need to start making cards to go along with my experiences. I love this idea. Adorable, too. Thanks for the giggles.

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  3. OMG Lydia, I have tears rolling down my face reading this! I will must let Phil know to be aware of this new seahorse policy, I can imagine that TSA agents in Grand Rapids will be just as helpful!

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  4. Wow. Just. Wow. It really is a shame that after all that we still don't know what would be problematic about seahorses and crowns.

    I usually pack a travel mug with a built in coffee press and have just resorted to pulling it out of my bag before it goes through the machine. Because, really, that coffee press contraption might be used as a weapon...

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  5. I was so giggling. AND you were so calmer then me I would have asked if she was freakin kidding? Glad you & your "black market" seahorses made it home

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  6. Thanks for the giggle this morning. I love seahorses - so of course I like your card. Hope you got your punch and bracelet back - they sound pretty harmless to me!!
    I remember security spending what felt like ten minutes going through my handbag in Barcelona - but they still managed to miss the small screwdriver for fixing my glasses that I had forgotten to take out and put in my hold luggage.

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  7. I SERIOUSLY thought I was going to Pee my pants reading this post. You made my morning.
    Diane

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  8. First let me tell you that every time I come to your blog or see it in my "new" mail I am compelled to sing a song from one of the Marx Brothers movies...Lydia oh Lydia, have you seen Lydia, Lydia the tattoed lady? I have no control over this impulse and for anyone reading this who isn't familiar with it, You Tube has everything. Maybe it's on there. Ok, now to the airport fiasco. Funniest thing I've ever read airport related. How did that woman even ask with a straight face? I would have had to resist the temptation to be a smartass but boy it would be difficult!! We have two wonderful airports in NY which can bring you to nervous breakdown stage. There's JFK which is huge and the ever lovely LaGuardia which the have had "under reconstruction" for hmmm, 20 years? Can we say slow boys and girls? We just fly out of a smaller airport near our house, McArthur. No long lines, few airlines but who cares. Security is not usually a nightmare either and it's 15 minutes from home. Seahorses and crowns......what kind of drugs is SHE on?!

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  9. Thank God for Mall Cops at the airport or Seahorses and Seamonkeys would be running rampid in our country! FOTFLMAO, thanks for the morning giggles, loved this story.

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  10. hee hee My favorite part was the guy behind you, giggling. Sure beats a heavy sigh for you holding up the line. :D

    WV: sectedge
    When you are a member of a special "club", you have a sectedge over the peeps who aren't.

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  11. Lydia, what can I say? You are definitely the BRIGHT SPOT in my days! ROFL!!!!!!!!!! And truly, I think these kind of things ONLY happen to you. Because if it happened to anyone else, no one would be able to tell the story as funny as you do!

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  12. "CLEAN-UP ON AISLE 4!! SOME LADY JUST PEED HER PANTS LAUGHING!!!!"
    That woulda been me...

    Im in a "stativ" of hysterics over that TSA story...

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  13. Too freakin' funny Lydia!! I'm thinking the crowns on your tee shirts...the crowns and keys from the make and takes or maybe a previous demo through the line bombed them with glitter and the machines couldn't cope. Then again when you said Midway my mind immediately jumped to the island of World War II fame. Notice I wasn't at all surprised you would have ended up there on the way home from convention! Not sure what that says about my mind or the state of air travel these days. Either way...your post made my day...scared my cat (loud laughter will do that)...and added to my laundry pile...nope not saying why!

    Hugs girlfriend and keep the laughter coming...oh..I'm thinking this blog really should come in book form so the wider public can also enjoy your creatively humorous outlook on life.

    So have you considered sending your card to the TSA lady?

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  14. Seahorse? Really?? Just when you think you've seen it all going through security....

    You make me laugh.

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  15. I was "boatibi" LMBO reading your blog post (okay, so that's not the best use of the anti-spam word - gimme a break!)

    Lydia, you totally crack me up!!

    HOW in God's name did you keep a straight fact? Add me to the list of peed my pants over this post!!

    Jen in PA from SCS

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  16. Lydia, this post totally made my crappy day. I was literally laughing so hard that my husband had to come and read it, too. I'm talking "tears streaming down the face" kinda laughing. Thank you! Thank you for redeeming my day!

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  17. I told my hubby about your ordeal as it played out on your FB status...he said didn't you see that sign that said no liquids over 3 oz and no seahorses? Bwahahaha...this would only happen to YOU!

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  18. Oh wow, Lydia, I'm really glad that I fly out of O'Hare!! Actually, it's really tiring flying out of (and into) O'Hare. Does ANYONE ever fly out of gate B2 or B3? NO! It's B22, the very last one! And in SLC, it's the very end of the line too, but they only went up to D12. I always want to stop and ask the people at B2 why they got the good fortune of not having to walk halfway around the world to get to their flight?

    Thanks for the GREAT story! Loved seeing you at Convention, if only briefly!

    Susan, aka Soozie4Him

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  19. OMG...you have truly made me laugh! I have shared this on my Facebook so all of my friends can share the giggles...very talented writing (and card creation, of course)!

    Toni
    J'Aime Vintaje

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  20. This reminds me of the old Saturday Night Live skit where the airport people are questioning an unlikely suspect while obvious criminals are getting by. Who know who slipped by while they were hunting down your border punch? Lol. Love the card...u just reminded me that I have that set. *smile*

    wv: aphype - Its a good thing you didn't have aphype-r in your bag because that would have been hard to explain.

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  21. Good LORD! I am desperately wondering if perhaps they found a wee seahorse in my car and that was why Mariam and I were stopped from entering the US LMAO!!!! now I need an aquarium!

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  22. Bwahahahahahahaahaha....omg seriously??!! Ok I had seamonkeys when my kids were little....actually they begged me to buy them....that's my story anyway! ;) None of them had crowns though and despite the instruction manual they were NOT trainable to perform any tricks....:(. It made my life so very monallit (that was the word verification!! LOL) =)

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  23. Being a bonafide, card carrying, proud member of the Terrorized by TIA league, I love this story as it reaffirms my deep profound, and everlasting belief that the TIA agents must pass an IQ exam to get the job. Anyone with a score over 70 is quickly dismissed. Thanks for the laugh, Lydia. I saved this!

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  24. Okay, I had to take a stab at it--just saw the bonus point notification. Hmmmmmmm. Verification word: jauro as in "Ma'am do you happen to have a jauro Poupon in your bag?"

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